Looking back at my trauma

So let me share with you what it feels like to go through Trauma. To be traumatized of one experience, no matter what it is, or what the details of the story are, it is a trauma that marked my life. Let alone the stress that you live after that experience, or what is commonly referred to as post-traumatic stress.

The fear of death is devastating, it eats off of you. I have been through that, unfortunately i did not understand what was happening, all i knew was that suddenly, my life was taking another path. It doesn't really matter what it is that made me so close to death, it wouldn't matter, for what matters is the impact and the effect of this fear that i went through. I found myself helpless and powerless, and watched my life slip through my hands, and go down the drain. I couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep, i couldn't think, i couldn't cry, i couldn't speak, i couldn't act, i couldn't live... That is what i remember from that time. I went through what were to be the scariest days of my life so far (and i ask god they never return), yet it was all happening in the brain. That was where the control room was, that was where the manager stayed. Life around me was going on normally  yet mine stood there frozen. I could not "get over " what was happening. I found my body degrading, found myself so tired and exhausted, and it was all because i was over thinking .. I over-thought everything it, the life, the death, the health, the sickness. Everything was magnified. It wouldn't get any better. Everything was just growing bigger. The fear was taking over my life, the drama was becoming all i knew. The sadness and the hopelessness was all i owned at the time.

Something though happened. A spark ignited in the darkness i lived  in. Suddenly everything stopped for a split of a second. That was my chance i believe. I took a deep breath. This is when i started fighting back. I wanted to get out of all of that. I wanted to live. Once very uncaring of the life i had because of a stupid emotional issue, something to do with some lost love, now i found myself wanting to live more than ever. Fighting so hard yet with no power. I had lost it all in a few days earlier dwelling in my own pain and misery. Everything that once worried me or made me unhappy sounded so trivial and seemed unworthy of a second of thought in my life. Suddenly everyone whom i cared about that had hurt me intentionally or not mattered less to me, or didn't at all. All that was left was me. That was when i realized that it all narrows down to ones self. After all, no one was there for me, and even those who were, never understood what i was going through. To them i was "over-reacting". That was when the "screw all of you" moment came to me. Suddenly, i was so unwilling to care about anyone anymore that i would pleasantly shout "fuck you" to anyone in-front of me who remotely pissed me of.

I thankfully got through it, yet i must say not very smoothly, but at least i am over it. The fear of death has had a huge impact over me that i cannot even start explaining, for all what i have said is only a shell. I must say though that looking back at these few weeks, everything changed in my life. I learned for the first time to understand myself more, and to appreciate myself more, and to love myself more. I learned that i must care for me before i do for others. I learned that it is all in the brain, whether being happy or being sad. I also stood astonished in front of the human brain, with all its power, and the extent of ability it has, which can actually go all the way to self destruction. I also learned that over thinking creates problems. It creates problems out of nothing, it feeds on illusions. It breaks rather than makes. And i learnt how to thank God for every breath i take, and be there for people in need, for i once was, and i know what it is like.

Thank god.